Turn Around and Face Me! 09

A Question

※Told from Lily Lilium’s perspective.

“And so, Lily-sama―”

Right in front of Lily’s eyes, Alea-chan smiled brightly. She was clearly having a lot of fun, and the emotion contained in her gaze that was fixed upon Lily was, without a doubt, one of deep affection. While Lily saw that as quite the honor, it felt suffocating as she knew she could not return those feelings. Even the fact that someone would direct these emotions toward someone like Lily, was something that Lily could hardly have imagined before.

Lily was a lesbian. She first realized this when she noticed that her gaze always drifted toward an older nun at the abbey.

In a lot of ways, the abbey was its own little bubble. It’s not that there were no interactions with the outside world, but most of the nuns at the abbey lived their lives only relying on one another. As a result, the nuns developed very close bonds. Within that environment, Lily developed emotions close to adoration toward one of the older nuns. That nun was the one who had taught Lily everything she knew about being a nun.

She was a very lively and big hearted individual. She was trusted by many of the other nuns, and Lily remembered that many other nuns adored her as well. But their adoration was simply one for her natural charisma as an individual. The feelings that Lily held for this nun were many times more intense

Thinking back on those days now, Lily understood that those feelings were closer to admiration than anything else. A delusion that Lily bought into because that nun was the first one that she had gotten close to. However, at the time, Lily had no way of knowing. Day after day, these feelings within Lily only grew. Unable to find an outlet, and no longer able to hold the feelings back, Lily confessed―and met a horrible rejection.

The next day, Lily’s life within the abbey, the closed off bubble that encompassed almost all that she knew, became one where she constantly had to tread on pins and needles. Lily had no way of knowing who let the cat out of the bag. She didn’t want to believe the very nun she adored so much was the one who did it, but the point was, everyone knew. The secret that Lily was a lesbian was in the open.

Lily’s father―Salas Lilium was the Prime Minister of the kingdom at the time, and it was also well known that Lily would one day take the rank of cardinal. As a result, most did not openly harm Lily. Regardless, it remained fact that the Spirit Church did not see homosexuality in a favorable light, so Lily was forced to endure various forms of discrimination.

(And that’s why Lily’s meeting with Rei-san was so shocking.)

Alea-chan and Mei-chan’s mother, Rei Taylor-san―she too was a lesbian. But unlike Lily, she never saw her sexuality as a sin to be ashamed of, and instead boldly stood up for herself. Rei-san’s responses to the nuns who had been giving Lily a hard time were shocking. Without becoming emotional or defensive, Rei-san was able to get through to those nuns using logic.

And it wasn’t that she argued them into submission either. This was what Rei said.

―I’d like you to free yourselves from your prejudice.

Lily couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by that display of patience and magnanimity. The feelings Lily felt on that day were not of a simple admiration, but of true love, blooming for the first time.

Unfortunately, Rei-san already held feelings for someone else. That person was Claire-sama, who was now her spouse. The path those two traveled to reach where they were now was fraught with peril, but that also meant the experiences that served as the foundation to their relationship were very meaningful. It was unlikely that Lily had any chance to force herself between them.

Even so, these emotions weren’t something that Lily could give up on so easily. Lily had made advances on Rei-san in various ways. Rei-san herself was the one to say, “Love is something one falls in.” Even though Lily herself knew she didn’t have a chance, she couldn’t stop herself from loving Rei-san either.

But of course, it didn’t seem that Rei-san had any intention to love anyone other than Claire-sama either. The two had been through numerous trials and tribulations, they had even saved the world itself. These trials and tribulations had forged their bond into something nigh indestructible. So, even though Lily had no intentions to give up on Rei-san, she was aware that it was practically impossible for her love to be reciprocated.

In spite of her awareness, it wasn’t so simple for Lily to just accept Alea-chan’s advances either. Alea-chan was Rei-san and Claire-sama’s daughter. While Alea-chan sparkled brightly for being so straightforward and earnest in her advances, Lily just couldn’t see her as a romantic interest. Lily had known Alea-chan ever since she was five. Lily saw Alea-chan as a little sister, and couldn’t see her as a lover.

This wasn’t something that Lily could tell Alea-chan, but for some reason, Lily felt a certain amount of interest toward Mei-chan. To be clear, Lily saw Mei-chan as a little sister too. But Mei-chan would occasionally wear an expression beyond her years, and there was a fragility about her that reminded Lily of Rei-san. In that sense, Lily felt that she couldn’t leave Mei-chan alone. Perhaps these feelings were nothing more than an illusion made by the Mei-chan’s similarities to Rei-san, but regardless, while Lily did find something heartwarming about Alea-chan’s relentless advances, at some point she also found her gaze chasing Mei-chan instead.

Lily, of course, had realized that Mei-chan was in love with Alea-chan. Alea-chan could be rather dense to those kinds of subtleties, so it seemed that she herself hadn’t realized it yet, but Rei-san and Claire-sama were aware as well. Lily didn’t know what the two of them thought of their daughters potentially having that kind of relationship, but she was also too scared to ask.

Lily’s own feelings aside, it didn’t appear that Mei-chan saw Lily in a favorable light. This only made sense of course. To Mei-chan, Lily was the object of Alea-chan’s affections, who was in turn, the object of Mei-chan’s affections. Even though Lily knew there wasn’t necessarily anything she could do about it, the obvious jealousy that Mei-chan would sometimes direct at Lily did hurt.

And so, Alea-chan to Lily, Lily to Mei-chan, Mei-chan to Alea-chan… They formed a perfect triangle. Until now, it was easy for Lily to maintain physical distance between herself and the twins, so their dynamic remained static. However, now that they all attended the same academy, it was unclear what effect that would have on the three. For better or for worse, their experiences here at the academy would change Alea-chan and Mei-chan… and Lily too.

(But, Lily’s…)

Even now, Lily continued to bear the weight of her past sins. These sins weren’t ones that could be easily forgiven. In the past, under her father’s―Salas Lilium’s―control, she had ended countless lives. Her regrets… yes, even now after she finished her pilgrimage of atonement, only grew heavier as time passed.

Lily’s weak and frail heart wanted nothing more than to place all the blame on her father. Lily was just being controlled. Lily herself hadn’t done anything wrong. But she knew that she couldn’t allow herself to think that way. Lily had to come face to face with her own weakness.

(Does Lily… Even have the right to fall in love?)

The guilt Lily felt was one of the reasons that kept her from pushing onto Rei-san even harder than she did. Even though the courts judged her as not guilty after considering her extenuating circumstance, Lily had always lived by her faith, and that meant that she couldn’t simply look away and ignore her transgressions. The grave sin of taking away others’ precious lives. That sin was something that Lily would never be able to fully atone for.

(Lily has decided to devote her entire life to atoning. That’s why―)

She didn’t believe it was right to involve others in her chosen way of life. The entire reason Lily chose to enroll in the first place, was because she thought by doing so, she may be able to find a way to atone.

“Lily-sama, what’s the matter, you seem lost in your thoughts.”
“Eh?”

Returning her attention to reality, Alea-chan was right in front of her wearing a concerned expression. When she looked around, Simone and Mei-chan wore similar expressions too. No good, no good, Lily let her thoughts get the better of her.

“S-Sorry about that. Lily was just a little distracted.”
“Is that really it? If you’re not feeling well, please don’t hesitate to tell me, okay?”
“L-Lily is fine, really.”
“Don’t hold back. Here, come on, I’ll offer you my lap. Again, no need to hold back, lie down and get some rest.”
“Eehhhh!?”
“… If Lily-sama isn’t going to, Mei will.”
“Is this how you three always are?”

Whenever Lily talked to Alea-chan, her thoughts of her transgressions sometimes just slipped away. That wasn’t something that she could allow herself to do.

(Oh Great Spirit… Just what should Lily do…?)

This was a question that Lily had repeated numerous times now. Unfortunately, the Spirit Church’s deity would never bless a sinner like Lily with the divine guidance she needed.

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Translator Note: I hope Lily finds happiness…

And so, we’re at the end of the first chapter! Thank you so much for reading! I had fun translating it and I really hope you had fun reading it as well. As I’ve mentioned my pace has been quite a bit slower since I’ve had to focus more on my health and my personal life, but I’ll be doing my best so you don’t have to wait too long for more TAFM. Please look forward to it.

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